Why is my fear holding me back?

Fear is a funny thing, and it’s often what paralyses us into doing nothing. We think the fear is of the unknown, but over the last few years I’ve realised that there’s much more to it…

Let’s go back to my first marriage. I was so miserable! I thought about leaving many times over the nine years that I was with this person, but something was holding me back. What I now realise is that my fear of leaving him wasn’t about going into the unknown – in fact, I have absolutely no trouble with embracing change – it was instead about my fear of my life becoming worse than what I had at the time. For me, it was finance-related, but it could have been any number of reasons for somebody else. I was afraid that because of the huge debts he’d racked up, I would end up being taken down financially because I knew how terrible he was with money.

Looking back, I realise how ridiculous that reasoning was, and I now see that I put a price on my freedom and happiness, and the freedom and happiness for my daughter. Ugh! If only I knew now what I knew then, huh?

The same could be said for a job. Are you in a job that you hate? It’s unlikely you’re still there because you’re afraid of the unknown – you’re just afraid that the next job will be worse, or your financial situation will decline, right? So you stay in your job, and you stay unhappy about it.

And then we consider the single woman who is afraid to put herself out there into the dating world. Again, the issue isn’t the unknown, but the fear that she’ll end up with someone worse than what she had before. So she holds herself back and finds every excuse under the sun to turn her nose up at every man who crosses her path.

How to deal with fear

Alright, so we have a few examples of why we’re holding ourselves back. So how do we deal with this fear?

Before we’re prepared to leave a situation, the pain of staying in the situation needs to become much more painful than the thought of what could happen if you leave it.

Before I finally left my marriage, I thought through every single scenario, and the worst case for each one, then I found a solution for every single one. Before long, I had absolutely no excuses to stay. In fact, the pain of staying become much worse because I realised that by staying, I was teaching my daughter that my husband’s treatment of me was perfectly ok, and this made me sick to the stomach – I could not let that happen. All of a sudden, the pain of staying was much less than the pain of leaving, and the potential consequences of doing so, and in that moment, I completely changed my life for the better.

If you’re afraid of getting yourself out there to start dating again, think about the worst case scenarios and write down what you’ll do about them if they occur. There’s a very high chance that they won’t, but this exercise is about ensuring you have a solution to every “problem” you have created in your mind!

Let’s say you’re in a crappy job. Ok, so what’s the worst thing that could happen? You may not find another, right? What if you found another job before quitting your current job though?? See? Problem solved!

And finally, what if you wish to start your own business? What if you’re afraid of putting yourself out there or of what people may think of you? What’s the worst thing that could happen if you don’t like what they think or say? The first thing to do is realise that you have absolutely no control over anyone, so who cares what they do or think? Secondly, who says their thoughts of you have any bearing on your potential success? Just something to think about there! I’ve carried this fear myself, so I get it, and I guess I’m going to have to talk about this one again in the near future, because it’s a big one! Either way, I know intellectually that what somebody thinks of me is their issue – it has nothing to do with me. And to hold myself back because of something they may or may not think of me? How silly is that?! Who cares what they think? they’re not my target customer, so it really doesn’t matter.

As you can see, this fear thing is absolutely made up in our heads and there is always a solution to every excuse or problem. So what’s holding you back now? Hopefully nothing!