One of the main things that keeps people stuck

One of the main things that keeps people stuck, is “secondary gains”. Secondary gains are tricky little critters, and I’m going to explain what happens with them, give you some examples, and then explain how to step out of them.

What is a secondary gain?

First it’s important to understand what a secondary gain is, and why it keeps us stuck.

A secondary gain is defined as the advantage that occurs that’s secondary to a problem. That problem could relate to health, career, relationships, and so on.

What are some examples of secondary gains?

There are an infinite number of examples of secondary gains, so I will list just a sample, to give you an idea of what a secondary gain could be related to the following….

Physical illness

If you’re somebody that’s constantly sick, maybe you have family that gives you more attention, you may feel “significant” as you identify by your illness.

When working with one client, we found that she had an unconscious secondary gain, where she believed that if she got better, her parents would die. So for her, staying sick meant her parents would still be around!

Even she was surprised when that came up!

I should mention that not everyone who is chronically ill will have a secondary gain going on, although it is very common, and it’s rarely conscious! Consciously these people want to be well, but something deep down – just like my client with her irrational, subconscious fear – is preventing them from healing.

Struggling to lose weight

Weight loss can be tricky, because there are many reasons behind why they’re struggling, and they could be eating the right foods and exercising regularly, but the body can “hold onto” the excess weight.

A secondary gain for excess weight could be to stay “hidden”. If they’re overweight and unattractive, then people won’t notice them. This is often in response to some earlier trauma in their life.

Another could be, where the person is struggling with their diet, the gain is that they get to eat food that they love to eat, and they really don’t want to give that up.

If they’re struggling to exercise, the secondary gain could be that they get to stay inside, warm and cozy, and they don’t like how it feels to push their body.

Staying in a toxic relationship

Money often keeps us stuck, and you may find you’re staying in a relationship due to the financial impact to you if you left.

There’s also the “better the devil you know” scenario. If you stay, at least you know what you’re getting! Or it could simply be that you don’t want to go out into the dating world again, so staying where you are means you don’t have to!

Gosh, there are so many other reasons, and I could go on all day about secondary gains in toxic relationships, but I’d be here all day! And yes, many of them were my own!

Your job or career

If you stay where you are, even if you hate your job, you’re still maintaining financial security. What if you were to leave and end up in a job that sucks even more than your present one?

How to undo what keeps you stuck

What keeps us stuck is almost always coupled with a secondary gain. Although you may believe that your reason for staying where you are is for a legitimate reason, or maybe you’re not even aware of what’s driving your inability to work through what keeps you stuck!

To undo what keeps you stuck, here’s a little process I used with a client of mine…

1. Quieten your mind and empty it of any thoughts.
2. You are about to ask yourself a question. As soon as you ask it, the answer will immediately appear in your mind.
3. Write that answer down before you’ve had any time to think about that answer!
4. Here’s the question: What is the worst thing that could happen if your situation around [insert problem here] was instantly resolved?
5. Review your answer, and see if you can pick up on any secondary gains.
6. Once you have worked out what the secondary gain is, you can determine if it’s something you’re prepared to let go.
7. If you are, then you may benefit from doing the free Manifestation Decoded course, which will help you to create some positive changes in your life!

Of course this process is easier if worked through with a coach, but for now, I hope it has helped you to gain some clarity!

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